I can hear the crickets chirp, the bullfrogs croak, the mosquitos buzz quietly and larger bugs buzz louder. I hear the wind in the sawgrass palmettos and a few birds chirping nearby.
I see the green grass, the burnt tree stumps, the sandy trail, the hazy clouds covering the sun and the rocks around the fire pit.
I smell clean air. I breathe deeply trying to smell something, anything else- I face the breeze and breathe deeper. I smell earth. Nature. Wood.
Taste.. it’s the flavor of the Diet Dr. Pepper I bought on my way here. It tastes sweet. Then I taste my salty sweat. My warm bottled water.
I feel safe here.
I am a hundred plus miles from home…and my family thinks I am at the Rapids Waterpark in town…because I wanted to think that … to trick them. Because my husband said a comment that pushed me mentally over the edge right after my daughter had dragged me by my hair to that cliff’s edge. She didn’t actually touch me but spoke words that took me to that edge emotionally. I was not using my rational brain to function. I was running scared.
I ended up in a state park that I had never been to before because it isn’t that close to home. It is out of the way. And.. HAHAHAHAHAHA.. No one knew.. No one had any clue where I was. It seemed like such a brilliant idea to protect myself from any further hurt that day. I found a rarely used trail off the Sebastian State Park. This is when the Department of State Parks purposely yet under control, lights a certain area of the state park on fire to keep pests down, encourage new growth of indigenous plants and kill off non-native plants.
I MYSELF HAD RECENTLY GONE THROUGH A PRESCRIBED BURN. And that’s a whole other blog post… 1 1/2 years ago, I called 911 to report what seemed like a probable UNPRESCRIBED FOREST FIRE. I drove past a blazing fire on the side of the highway. I was most worried about a larger fire starting. But what I saw had nothing to do with any sane or helpful act of forestry.
IT WAS AN ACT OF HORRIFIC DEPRAVITY – 2 burning bodies in the side of the highway on the way home from church.
And because I was in the throes of PTSD… I could not no longer look at a log, a flame, a fire place, anything burning…
Or a white truck with an extended cab and extended mirror.. TRIGGERS.
Today- I was extremely triggered again. I am feeling emotionally abandoned from hurt and exhausted family members. Two weeks prior, I had been poisoned by my son… My adopted son if that makes it any better.
-IN MY CUP OF ICE,
-LEFT ON THE COUNTER.
….and when I said “Let me go get my drink…”, he watched me drink the BLEACH he poured in my drink (yet another entry)…
So back to the state park… Many miles from humans…
THERE I FELT SAFE. Among the burnt trees, the tiny creek, the really big animal tracks. Completely alone. Beautiful. And PEOPLE couldn’t hurt me there. (I hoped.) I prayed no one was out there. [Especially when I had to pee and the burnt forest of just scrub brush now lower than the knee and tall pines higher than a 3 story building offered little hiding of the backside when emptying one’s bladder.]
An old friend said to me yesterday, “Oh, you are a runner. So am I.”
It all seems so painfully, perfectly logical when you are under attack…RUN AWAY!
My newest strategy (as I continue to cope with PTSD) is
- Use recommended therapy tools.
- Try to communicate calmly.
- After that tactic fails, try to communicate maniacally.
- Run for your life after evading those who may try to stop your forward progress.
- Keep going. It may not be far ENOUGH.
- Find alone.
- Breathe. You did it. You got away from danger. (Though not processing the fact that no one else in the 🌎 knows where you are and the good guys can’t help you now if needed.)
I acted crazy – looking back. I can see that now. But THAT day, when my 16 year old screamed “I hate being at home and I can’t stand you!” and my dear sweet hubbie tried to kindly explain, ” She meant.. We don’t like THIS!”- pointing at me who was trying to communicate, then confused, the triggered and finally manic.
“We don’t like this (meaning me)!”
That’s all he needed to say..
RUN MOMMA RUN.
I hear the crickets chirp….