Our Mornings: Suffering with PTSD When you Wake Up

– I need music- SOUNDS- television, not to watch or listen to but just to make noise. Something, because the silence of the quiet house is unbearable. I “hear” a scream that isn’t recognizable. It’s like someone opened their mouth as wide as possible as screamed a consistent AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH with no breath . And when trying to explain it and to “listen” to what the scream sounds like – it makes me want to tell the screaming to take a freaking breath.. But it doesn’t. It just screams a solid mid-range AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH endlessly. There is no real person screaming. It is the intrusive thoughts of my fears manifesting themselves.

– I am shaking like the proverbial leaf. It is hard to get use to. I hold my hand out and watch the trembling. Trying to stop the shaking is an exercise in futility… More frustration. My teeth chatter and I am not cold.

It’s anxiety.

– It’s from wondering if the words hanging in the air from yesterday are today’s possibilities.

My twelve year old said, “I will fucking kill you.” “I will stab your eyes out!”

Will she?

– I have no possible way of knowing. She has been extremely violent in the past. I am locked in my bedroom but not safe. She has literally punched, clawed, and broken through a door in our home before.

– Other days it isn’t yesterday’s words but the threats of all the past threats converging into a never-ending sentence of terror. “We all want you die.” rolling through my mind like looped video from an expert in breaking in to a secure location. In the movies, on the team of criminals trying to pull off a major heist, there is always a brilliant hacker. His job involves getting the surveillance video images to loop, playing normal footage while other members of the team carry out the massive robbery.

– I can’t walk out of my locked bedroom without hands clenched, eyes darting, escape route determined, locating items that could used to defend myself…. My lower back tightens to a solid mass – you could probably bounce a quarter off my steely posterior!

– My hand tingles from nerve entrapment because if the muscles tightening in there shoulder. Carpal tunnel and ulner nerve issues are part if my fear being physically incarnated.

– The headaches begin at the base if my neck where I am sure a gun is pressing painfully right below it w my skull. In that soft spot, a gun pushes me forwards and off balance.

– and that’s why I can’t think clearly. My life and brain have been hijacked by fear. I am barely hanging on.

– My husband is angry that he is left on the other side of my locked door with the terrorizing child. He isn’t afraid. He is exhausted. He deals with the fight as she argues everything. She poses a “problem” for him to solve like “I need socks. ” He can suggest she find them herself or go the route he finds easiest by getting her socks and being controlled by her game – the power play. She acts like she can’t do something, but really is the puppeteer.

My mornings with PTSD subside slightly with Klonipin, Lexapro and Effexor. Research days PTSD can’t be improved with medication. The secondary mental disorders of anxiety and depression from suffering with PTSD can be helped by prescription drugs, therapy, exercise, coping skills and other practices. I often start going through the litany of coping skills one by one hoping the fear gripping my heart and mind would release its death grip.

Music

Breathing – specifically box breathing

Tapping fingers one at a time to match breathing.

Yoga or exercise.

Cleaning – projects – organizing.

90% of the time I forget to eat until my support system so about that. Nausea is my morning meal. Activity us my lunch.

Calling or receiving calls from other sufferers of huge hurts helps. Isolation is a go-to self-protective measure that happens subconsciously. It is called an act if healthy choices to come call someone and put words to your hurts. There will be tears as you hear yourself tell the story of your encounter with the hell you went through or are still living in.

The hidden illness if PTSD makes you misunderstood. Often told to toughen up us NIT HELPFUL. Often told you are doing your little PTSD thing is NOT HELPFUL. (like this is a choice anyone would make-fun game? Not so much.). Often told that you aren’t acting logically us NOT HELPFUL. PTSD sufferers are acutely aware that their executive functioning – rational thinking is not the primary brain activity in triggered state. The brain shuts down. Like they government currently. No one is getting “paid.” No one is benefitting from fearful thinking. But it us occurring on a subconscious physical level.

I didn’t choose this.

No one diagnosed with PTSD choose this.

We beg to go back. We beg to unsee the horrors. We beg to o have our innocence restored. We beg to be normal again.

We desire to be the moms whose can focus on helping their kids navigate this scary world. I can’t. I haven’t. This hurts more than anything else.

We desire to be dads protecting our family instead of grieving them. The family lost as well. Mom and dad they previously laughed and played with are “gone.” Life us completely different after PTSD diagnosis. Mom might run at any given time. Dad may fight his demons in the living room.

Living with PTSD is hell. Living with someone who had PTSD is often torture. Worst is loving yourself with PTSD or loving someone with PTSD.

One comment

  1. Julia Hamner · January 17, 2019

    My heart hurts for the family. Praying daily for each of you.
    Proud of you for willing to share your hurts to help others.

    Like

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