I AM A FELON.. i think.
Pretty sure I have committed an unbeknownst-to-me FELONY.
The punishment I just received was surely not for a misdemeanor. I did somethin ‘ Baaaaaaaaaduh!
A sweet friend…. (going time have to rethink that there adjective preceeding friend) … said, “Let’s try a spin class.”
I said, “okay.” – stupid/stupid/stupid! Picture me banging my head against a metal gym locker.
I should have known when I had my feet clamped in to some apparatus that this was going to be “fun!” like when you have your nether regions checked by ob/gyn.
NOTE TO SELF: Feet secured or placed in any apparatus should scream “not fun, not fun, not fun!!! Run baby RUN!”
Also there is a lot of talk about TENSION. This orangy/red knob was pointed out to me as a means if increasing tension. If I had any inkling of what I was getting into, there most definitely would have been TENSION from the start but I had a reprieve of about 4 minutes.
A guy I had seen and talked with in step aerobics class came over time check my set up and give a few pointers. He said, “The number one thing is to just keep spinning!” I honest to goodness looked at him andl said, “I got that. I am always spinning up here. (motioning to head). Nod to my unstable mental health. Lol. I am a funny one.
Then he said, “and when we start doing push ups…” Interrupted by me with- “SAY WHAT???!!?! Pushups?” He giggled under his breath and he us somewhere upwards of 65 years old. I am 47, in pretty decent shape, and as he spoke his warnings, a cold chill crept down my spine.
Class starts. Lights out. Except black lights, so I couldn’t see a darn thing. But in hindsight, I had my eyes closed trying to gulp in air for survival purposes during 95%of class so lights would have MOSTLY been superfluous.
There was some stretching while peddling. Then some comments screamed at me overtop of highly energetic music. I liked the music until I didn’t. Until I wanted to punch everyone in the jaw. They all seemed to pedal to the beat but as I stood up -as directed- one foot would come flying out of the stirrup. The tension on the bike’s pedals was either too low or too high to find the rhythm that the others had fallen into. I just kept falling. Off beat and pedals spinning “sans” my feet.
About the others and the lights. As per my torture for my bad behavior, I tried to look around and see if the faces of the others looked contorted. I started thinking pretty seriously about HELL at this point.
My bible study has taught me that there will be “burning and gnashing of teeth.” Check. Part of today’s spin class. The heat was oppressive like no other time I could recollect. But it was coupled with me sweating away all my stored electrolytes, minerals, salt, water.. and my LIFE away! I was supposed to put my hand on my back but it felt like a greased pig at the county fair. Yes, I did grow up in a place and time where we chased greasy pigs at the fair. Same feeling today. Dripping sweat from EVERYWHERE. Gross.
I started thinking about how Diane’s spin class could bring many to Jesus. She could just do what she did today and then ask, “Now, do you want to spend eternity here.. In this heat.. In pain.. I imagine an evil laugh from her and getting confirmation that she is the bad guy coming in the end times.
PEOPLE. PEOPLE. PEOPLE. YOU DO NOT WANT TO SPEND FOREVER IN A VICIOUS CYCLE.
Completely serious folks. This is heat was going through my head I was trying to get a look at people. And I can’t see faces. I am incredulous about doing this willingly.
This should be part of our Juvenile Justice program. Or for adults too. If I could mandate a punishment that really SUCKS (unless you choose to be here for exercise), I would pick THIS SPIN CLASS. This would totally suck more than community service. Oh, and teacher Diane controls the tension knob and they must complete exercises as directed. Mmhaha. (My evil laugh as I think about certain people who need consequences.)
But then my squirrel brain thought, “we had better have the guards also take class because the suckers in jail are going to be to fit and be able to run like.. Well we already established thus -was like being in… Hell.” Mark 9:48b, “and the fire never goes out.” Isaiah 66:24 says “the fire that burns.” Isaiah 66:16 (I see three 6’s in reference, … Mmm.. interesting!) says, “The Lord will punish the world by fire.” Just saying, there are clear correlations here.
I began thinking about the people who steal being sentenced to do 30 classes in 30 days. Like a 12 step intervention. But not 12 steps. If you counted each time you put your foot down, it was more like a 4,000 step program. I crack myself up.
There was also a lot of lying going on in said spin class. Like “just 3 more.. ” Code for “3 x 50!!!”
And the lie, screamed, “you guys are lookin’ great!!!” When the actual class members were teleported back in (replacing the droids I vaguely could make out in the dark doing push ups on handle bars to pulsing music) and pedalled in the inferno with me for the last few minutes, the lights came on… And we all looked like we had been abused, mugged, beaten up and held underwater AKA- drenched in sweat.” Honestly, no one looked great. LIES. MENTIRAS!
And that’s how I spent my Monday.
Silver Lining -I can chiise to view my time as a good set up for the week because it couldn’t get more tortuous.
Whatever I face this week could be viewed through the lens of my attendance at A Vicious Cycle Spin Class at Jupiter Fitness.
Thankful I made it through.
ADDENDUM: After leaving this class, I had a blow out if my back tire in the fast lane on I-95 at 70 mph, car swerved uncontrollably across 3 lanes, semi- slowed down to let me get off road… Almost rolled car.. And I had the top down on VW Beetle convertible. And I chuckled at Satan, “Is that all you got Satan?” Cuz me and Jesus just did Spin class.