3 Flat Tires in a Week – Perceived or Real Threats?

Coincidence or not?

I DON’T KNOW!

Seems highly suspicious but there are nails on the roadways, so theoretically you could get THREE FLAT TIRES from nail and screw punctures in a week.
Our 14 year old’s behavior – Threat or not?

I DON’T KNOW!

He does not seem to possess the skills to change his pattern of behavior.  His behaviors are worsening and have been terrifying.  He needs therapy.  We have tried therapy many times from home.  We have tried to find a placement outside of the home where he can work on his life.  We are running into dead ends.  And we are running out of time.

Yet God can do a miracle at any time in anyone’s life.

God can make dry bones arise and breathe.  He can make a donkey speak.

Does God often do these things?  No – God usually works providentially in the natural world of what we see and hear.  Like when God heals someone of cancer through chemo and radiation.  Providence.  The right doctor.  The right course of medicine decided by team of doctors.  The right place.

Sometimes God works supernaturally.  sometimes people are healed from heart issues without prescribed, planned, and executed medical intervention.

At 29, I had symptoms of a heart attack.   Fortunately, it was FARTS — haha — abdominal gas.  Who knew stomach gas  pressure could feel similar to a heart attack?  [Side note: Doctors know.   Haha!]  I was told to go to a cardiologist; just to be sure my heart was okay.  Well, it wasn’t.  And it isn’t.

At 30, my cardiologist recommended I go to the renowned Shands Hospital in Gainesville, Florida to have surgery to correct the severe MVP – mitral valve prolapse.  On a scale of 1 – 4, 4 being the worst, I have a level 4 MVP.  Go big or go home right?!  There is a significant amount of blood flowing backwards in my heart.  Not good.  This allows too much blood in one area, creating pressure and enlarging the heart.

That is what generally happens. The value in a heart needs to open and close properly to not allow backwards blood flow.  My valves, that should open and close like secure doorways, flap like the Grand Ol’ Flag on a breezy day.  I have seen the ultrasounds, the pictures, the videos.  There is clearly a problem.

At 30, I went to Shands Hospital in Gainesville, FL.  I was scrubbed in for surgery.  I was placed under anesthesia.  I was told I may be confused or forgetful coming out of anesthesia after surgery.

I was so confused after coming out from under the influence of anesthesia. My husband was there telling me I didn’t have the surgery.  I just looked at him thinking, “Oh, the anesthesia thing.  It sounds like he is saying ‘ya didn’t have surgery’ but that can’t be right!  My mother and sister are here from Tennessee caring for my 3 small children.  I have been planning this surgery for 7 months to be done in the summer when my teacher husband can be home to help in recovery.  I have traveled hundreds of miles to Shands Hospital.  I KNOW I WENT INTO SURGERY!!!!”

Again with the ‘ya did not have surgery thingy’.  ANESTHESIA IS WEIRD.  This is my first time being placed under it.  I don’t know what the heck is going on.

BUT APPARENTLY AT THE LAST MINUTE, DOCTORS DID A TEST AND THEN DID NOT PROCEED WITH THE OPEN HEART SURGERY REPAIR OF MY MVP. 

And now 16 years later,  same heart.  Not enlarging.  This is very atypical of level 4 SEVERE MVP.  Many women have a MVP. Lots.  Not so many women have surgeons tell them on their annual visits:

  1.   Yes, you have severe Mitral Valve Prolapse.
  2.   Yes, you can have surgery at any point  – cuz it is very severe.
  3.   We don’t have any idea why you heart has not enlarged .
  4.   Come look again at the monitor to see what I am talking about.  The blue color represents the backwards blood.  There should not be any.  You have a lot.

Maybe my heart is stretchy..

Oh, good segway back to healing.

My heart has been stretched “emotionally” and my mind has been stretched physically – to a breaking point – in which my brain developed PTSD.  My adopted daughter terrified me with her violent and explosive behavior.  She had to be held often to stop her from jumping out of the car.  She actually jumped out of the car while I was driving at 35 mph.  That is not good.  That signaled some serious problems.  She was kicking through wooden bedroom doors.  She threw mirrors.  The kicked out her window to run away.  She shoved berries into her mouth and asked if they would kill her.  She had an onset of Bipolar Disorder and has also been diagnosed with autism, ADHD, has low than average cognition, PTSD, and RAD – reactive attachment disorder.

I have a medical diagnosis of PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  My war is my adoption journey.

I was diagnosed with PTSD in the summer of 2016.  On my first visit to my therapist, he now states, “I strongly considered taking you to the hospital immediately.  You could barely form a sentence.  You were a hot mess!”  He did not actually call me a hot mess.  I am paraphrasing.

Fast forward to this school year 2017-2018.  Our adopted son is now displaying terrifying behaviors.  He has written many disturbing things like – “I WISH SUZANNE WERE DEAD”  in his closet, in  notes, on his bed frame, on the back of a picture frame.  I am Suzanne.  He put bleach in my drink as he washed the dishes- not with bleach though.  Although, he did tell his 18-year-old brother that the bleach was for “cleaning.”

Turns out the bleach our oldest son had seen *******  with was intended for me!

As we headed out the door,  I said to *******, “Let me go grab my water!”

He watched as I went to the kitchen.

He lied when I screamed WHAT THE [HECK OR BLEEP] – [I could have said either.] IS IN MY DRINK?

I couldn’t fathom bleach was in my drink.  I have been asked, “Didn’t you smell it?”  No, I did not.  I drank a sip to try to determine what ****** had put in my cup.  I assumed it was something gross from the fridge  and I wanted to know what it was.

He stood there.  Passively.  Lying.  “Nothing.”   That was all he would say.

My older son started questioning.  My 16 yr-old  started questioning.

WHAT DID YOU PUT IN MOM’S DRINK?

The wheels started turning in my oldest’s head.  Give me you cup Mom.  [Smells]  He screams ,”How could you?  I know what it is!  Tell everyone what you did.  Tell everyone what you put in mom’s cup!”

Pinned to the floor for my safety, he continued to lie.

I wanted my oldest son to hit ******.

When our oldest finally forced him to admit what he had done.  my mind did not want to process the fact that my adopted son had just put a known deadly chemical in my drink.

My oldest never hit him.   Never hurt him.  Never has.  And frankly, I don’t know why.  We aren’t that kind of family.  We have never hit our kids.

But this was HIT – WORTHY  in my book.

Nope.

I called my husband, shaking.. “What do I do?  We can’t call the police because of our daughter.  I don’t want ****** to affect her chances of reunification after all her hard work in therapy.”  My husband agreed.  We would look for a placement outside of the home and not call the police.

We have looked for a placement.  For months now.

My husband is like a warden watching ****** every minute of the day.  We have locks, alarms, cameras,  … and I generally don’t stay at home anymore.

So is he a threat to our safety?  DEFINITELY A THREAT.

WILL HE DO SOMETHING AGAIN?  I DON’T KNOW.

I AM SCARED EVERYDAY.

I HAVE RAGING PTSD SYMPTOMS that had subsided after years of therapy and prescription meds.

  • I have high blood pressure often.
  • I cry often because I feel abandoned by everyone.
  • I fear everyone hates me – including me family who loves me.
  • I go into flight mode.  I sometimes just bolt out the door and run for miles.  I often get in my car and just drive … away.  Any where but home.
  • I lock myself in my room when I am home.
  • I only use one cup and have it with me at all times.
  • I don’t drink anything from the kitchen.
  • I have horrible intrusive thoughts.
  • I feel like  gun is pressed to the base of my skull.
  • I shake a lot.
  • I often can’t speak correctly.
  • I feel angry because I can’t speak.  I stutter and can’t come up with the words I want to say.
  • I feel angry that this is the mother my biological kids know.
  • I feel sad because our family is ripped apart again. 3 years ago from our daughter and now our son.
  • I don’t cook anymore. I am barely home and the kitchen triggers me.  I used to love  clean kitchen.  Now the clean counters are the trigger because he had cleaned the kitchen and left only my cup  WITH BLEACH IN IT on the counter.

Need help again support system.

We need help.

 

 

 

Carpal Tunnel and PTSD

What OTHER doctors appointments have you made since your diagnosis of PTSD?

It was surprising to me to find out that a link exists between my tingling fingers and my fears of drinking from a cup in my kitchen.  One medical condition is said to have developed from overuse of the wrist resulting in the narrowing of the carpal tunnel.  The nerves are compressed from stress up in the neck and shoulder radiating down the arm and into the hand resulting in CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME.  And my personal journey of stress and PTSD began when dealing with disturbing behaviors of our adopted children: breaking and exiting THROUGH her wooden hollow core bedroom door at age 10 WITHOUT unlocking and opening said door,  jumping out of mom’s car at 35 mph because she was told she could not be a Safety Patrol and run away every few days, poisoning mom’s cup of Diet Dr. Pepper with bleach because he began organizing the shed and therefore found so many of the things he had stolen, packing bags to run away and mom randomly finding them on a 2.5 mile walk to the grocery store – to relieve stress!

WOMEN’S MENSTRUAL ISSUES and PTSD?  I don’t have a regular menstrual cycle when under great stress.  So I haven’t had my period in months.  So weird huh?

I have been to the doctor for suspected MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS, my muscles tensed so much of the time resulting in tremors in one leg…

I have been to the doctor for LOW IRON- IRON DEFICIENCY, my appetite suppressed from anxiety.  This resulted in 10 lbs. of weight loss and lots of compliments from well-wishers but I knew it was because I couldn’t swallow more than a few bites of food.  Side note:  I discovered 8 Andes Mints chocolate candies has 2 grams of protein and therefore constituted a “healthy” intake of needed muscle-building food.  Rationalizing.  I could stand in front of a pantry full of food and not be able to decide or eat anything.  I rationalized that people live eating next to nothing in 3rd world countries so a few raw almonds made for a decent sustainable dinner – This was MUCH  “healthier” than eating from a dump.  I had heard that many people live in and around garbage collecting dinners  across the globe in places where poverty drives people into survival mode.  We would all do it if we had no other alternative.

There is of course the trips to the doctor for ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION.

There is doctor visits for ARTHRITIS, AND OTHER INFIRMITIES WITH SWELLING.  The inflammation is a result from the way-too-often dumping of cortisol and other chemicals into the brain and system that can have damaging physical effects.

Fear and hyper-arousal and clenched muscles can result in many other issues.  MIGRAINES, STOMACH ISSUES, NECK AND BACK PAIN  are other common health issues that might land a person in a doctor’s lobby.  The fact is that the constant stress felt by the body is the brain’s reaction to triggers and flashbacks and memories and past trauma.

That sweet little brain of your is trying it’s best to protect you friend.  But it is like a T-Rex as your wingman in a fight.  The brain is super powerful and that super strong helper sometimes helps TOO much.  I wish I could think in a triggered situation.  I couldn’t calm down taking my daughter to the airport for a trip from FL to VA – a big soccer tournament.  I was sooooo amped up.  I was driving myself and my daughter crazy.  She said, “you are acting like I am a bad driver?”  That was not the case.  Stress had hijacked my brain and I was not under the control of the executive functioning of the frontal lobe.  I was reacting from the amygdala.  It was annoying.  It was irritating.  I wanted to tell me to CHILL.  I tried grounding coping skills and box-breathing.

EVERY DAY LIFE IN HAMPERED WHEN YOU HAVE PTSD.

COMMENT ON THE DOCTORS VISITS YOU HAVE HAD THAT YOU LATER FOUND OUT IS DIRECTLY RELATED TO YOUR PSYCHIATRIC  DISORDERS…

LAUGHTER OPTION:  PUT ON WRIST SPLINTS ON BOTH HANDS WHICH IMPROVES TINGLING ISSUES, ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT.  THEN LAUGH AT YOURSELF.  LAUGH WHEN YOUR 16-YEAR-OLD SAYS YOU LOOK LIKE Toby or Daryl (not sure which one has two wrist splints in epidsode of ‘Occupational Hazards”)   FROM THE OFFICE tv show.  Ya look stupid just saying.